How am I supposed to process this?
I’m headed into court to be charged for something that happened 8 months ago. Something I don’t remember. Something that occurred while I was medicated and had cognitive deficits due to the healing of my artery. Why they have waited 8 months? My theory, is that my ex decided that he needed to prosecute me because I refused to do what he wanted in some form of retaliation.
He didn’t like the discussion about DD2’s after school program. Nor did he like what happened with the schedule when it changed. So he decided to retaliate by having the prosecutor press charges for something that occurred 8 months ago.
I looked back on my emails. Now, that week I was either in the hospital or had just been released from the hospital. I was still on all the medications and dealing with migraines that were the after effects of the artery tear. I was not capable of making rational decisions at that point. I even have all the paper work that says I should not be making decisions at that time. I think I know which email they are using as a violation. I don’t remember writing it. I don’t remember sending it. Had I been in my right mind, I would never have written it. It’s a big blank where memory should be.
They took me off all of my medications about a week later, by the end of the month because I no longer needed them. My artery had healed completely.
I still don’t remember those two months, not completely. I remember bits and pieces. I remember snapshots that I have trouble putting into chronological order. I remember moments, like sitting in the hospital in the middle of the night not knowing whether I was going to live or die. I remember the way the sun felt on my skin the day I left the hospital. I remember the surreal feeling of having my life be completely different.
I remember the sheer gratitude to see my kids again, knowing that I was probably going to survive.
I remember struggling to say goodbye to all my precious things because my EH wouldn’t allow me to retrieve them from the house.
I remember having to get a new phone number because I was afraid that my EH was listening to my voicemails and was monitoring my calls because he controlled my cell phone. I remember standing in the store dumbfounded because he had removed me from the account so I could not do anything to keep my old number.
Anything that had any emotion attached I remember, except the emails. I don’t remember those. It’s like I wasn’t present when I wrote them. Yet there is emotion there, but it’s like a stranger was there.
Yet now my EH can use them as a way to retaliate. I’m very afraid I will never be free of him. That he will find a way to use my DD2 as a way to control me.
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