The Healing Journey

As I’ve been working through my healing journey I’ve had the opportunity to actually contemplate what that means. What does it mean to actually be healed from emotional trauma? Is there an endpoint or is it all about the journey? What does being healed mean for me and my lived experience?

I write when I need to process things in a way that I cannot in other ways. I’ve had a break because my healing was at a point that it felt too raw to right it down. Almost as if writing down the events caused those emotional wounds to reopen. So much has happened in the last few months that it makes it difficult to even process when writing.

My ex had child services called on him, again. This makes somewhere around 8 times in the last 4 years that I know about. 6 out of the 8 were by mandated reporters. People who assess the child and make a determination about the safety of that child. Yet I was told by child services that if the courts had ordered visitation there was nothing they could do. My daughter refuses to disclose and so no one will do anything. The courts said that if child services refused to do anything then there was nothing they could do. Yet my 8 year old comes back to me with bruises, more often than not, a recurring vaginal yeast infection and completely isolating her from contact with me or her sister.

Yet that is his right according to the courts. He can do whatever he wants to because it is all about his rights. One thing I’ve learned as that the rights of the child to be safe, healthy and well do not matter if the rights of the father are being infringed upon. My rights, my child’s rights, neither matter if my ex decides that his rights are being withheld.

This is what I struggle with. The messaging around domestic violence is that you leave the abuser, especially if children are involved. If you stay then you can be prosecuted as endangering the child. Yet if you leave, the child is given back to the abuser, you’re told that you’re just making allegations because you’re not getting your way and risk losing your child completely. Statistics are grim. In the family court, women who allege abuse by their ex’s are more likely to lose custody and be disbelieved, especially when alleging abuse on the child. They lose custody to their abusers. there are increasing numbers of children being killed by divorcing or separating parents, even when the courts are aware.

And so I have to send my child to my ex because the courts say so. Even when there are multiple reports of abuse by mandated reporters. There is increasing physical violence given the levels of bruising that I’m seeing. And there is nothing I can do. It’s a very hopeless type of feeling.

So it’s healing from this. It’s finding ways to be empowered in the face of a system that actively works to disempower and disenfranchise my and my child’s lived experiences. How can I be a place of safety for my child? How can I heal my relationship wounds when I have to maintain and continue a relationship with my abuser and the abuser of my child.

I know there is abuse. I witnessed him doing it to both my children. I experienced it at his hands. He even admitted to some of it under oath. Yet none of that mattered ultimately. He still was able to get 50% custody of my daughter. He was able to convince the courts that he got everything, including my personal things, and that I got nothing other than my car. Not even 1/2 the value of the house. And my child continues to suffer at his hands.

So how do I heal in the face of this? When wounds sustained in relationship are better healed from within a healthy relationship, how do I cultivate that healthy relationship when I’m still having to deal with my abuser? How do I not fall back into familiar patterns when moving forward when in some sense I have to be in those patterns in order to protect my daughter as much as I can?

Through all of this, I have learned that the healing journey is not a destination. It is the journey. Healing takes place through every thought that I reframe into a healthier pattern, through every healthy decision I make even the small ones, and through every hug and quiet connection I have with my children. Witnessing them make healthy choices validates to me that I’m making healthy choices.

And I’m now in this place of looking for healthy adult relationships, romantic and otherwise. Healthy meaning that I feel safe, seen and supported within that relationship. And that opens up a whole other issue. How do I meet people as an adult when work or church are not full options? Another contemplation for another day.