Thinking about moving forward is different than doing
When thinking about moving forward it is messier than it seems. It is not a linear journey. It is a journey that is more curves and moving around obstacles. Sometimes those obstacles are mountains that we create for ourselves. The solution then becomes to get out of our own way.
I’ve realized through my moving forward process that much of my emotional challenge has been because I’m resisting and fighting against reality. I’m fighting the reality of what is.
I was introduced to the idea of the circle of control. Understanding what is truly within our circle of control. And many of the things that have been causing immense amounts of pain for me are things that are in my environment and are out of my circle of control. They are things that are happening as a result of other peoples decisions and actions. Those are things that are outside of my circle of control. Recognizing this doesn’t diminish the pain those actions and decisions have caused me or my child, but it does help me to see that the pain I have is in part because I’m resisting that recognition. I’m fighting against the reality and am stuck in a mode of denial. That in turn causes a feeling of hopelessness and a feeling of being tossed about in a sea of events. It is an untenable place to be.
The entire scenario of getting my personal items from the divorce has illustrated this. My ex knows and acknowledges that he is holding mine and my daughter’s personal items. He stated this in the court hearing a year ago. Yet he has decided that he doesn’t have a legal obligation to give them back to me despite telling the judge all I needed to do was to arrange to pick them up. He stated he already had them packed up and waiting for me.
Yet a year later I still do not have them despite trying multiple times both directly and through the attorney’s to get them. That doesn’t include the countless times in the 3 years prior to that that I tried to arrange to finish moving my things out of that house.
Those are his decisions. And I think a lot of my pain around the loss of those precious things, including childhood pictures, blankets made by my grandmother, some of my grandparents things, as well as things like my medical records has to do with the fact that there is nothing I can do to change this situation. I’m resisting acknowledging that the reality is that a grown man has decided that for some unspecified reason that he absolutely has to keep everything. I believe it’s in a misguided attempt to punish me. Yet all it’s doing is showing the world that he is willing to steal, not only from me but from a child, to make himself feel better.
And that is absolutely an indication of his character. DD1 and I will survive this. We will recover from the loss of our things. We both will find a way to acceptance in this situation. The pain will heal. Our journey forward does not include remaining in the past pain of this loss. Yet this story will forever be showing that this grown man is not a man of character. That coupled with his willingness to lie on the stand and he is effectively showing the world that he has no credibility.
And yet there is hope. I found a box of his family pictures in my things. I told him I would return them once mine and my DD1’s things were returned. I also sent that information to my ex father-in-law. And about 12 hours after my FIL read the message, my EXH messaged me saying he needed to pack my things and they would be ready for pickup on Christmas Day.
I strongly suspect that he won’t give me everything. He will be playing games and continues to do that. He told the judge a year ago that everything was already packed up. So the fact that he now has to pack it means that he lied to the judge or that he knew then that not everything was included.
DD2 told me they had cleaned out the garage and had gotten rid of a lot of things. I suspect most of those things were mine and DD1’s. So I don’t know just what I will end up getting if anything. Especially if he has disposed of things.
Here’s the piece that is extremely difficult for me to process. He knew I wanted my things. He knew that he refused to allow me to have any of the marital assets. He knew that I was actively requesting to be able to come get them. Yet knowing that he deliberately chose to dispose of those things all the while not giving me the opportunity to come get them. That is the reality I have difficulty processing. That is the reality I have difficulty understanding. Who would be so selfish as to do something like this? And not only that, this is the man that I thought I loved at one point. Either I was absolutely deceived as to his character or he has changed in some fundamental ways.
So it remains to be seen as to what exactly I will be getting when I get my things. It remains to be seen just how this will play out.
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