Thinking about the sacred
Healing, like anything in life is not a straight line journey. It’s a path that takes unexpected turns and is very much a journey that is not always predictable. I’ve struggled with that unpredictable nature throughout the past few years as I’ve navigated the journey that I find myself on. It’s been a path of twists, turns, rockslides and rough surfaces. I’ve struggled to think about and accept the journey that I find myself on. Acceptance is one of those words that sounds easy, until you try to do it and then it’s one of the most difficult things that we can undertake.
Part of my trauma is that I get stuck in thought cycle. I think of them as spirals. A thought will trigger and then I’ll get stuck in the whirlpool of what ifs, of future thinking and trying to change the past through experiencing the memories of what was. It makes no sense, yet it is my experience. Some days are easier than others. Some days I don’t get stuck, or if I do then I can stop the cycle before it starts. And some days I get stuck. Some days my sleep and my waking moments are caught up in the memories or the thoughts of the events of my life.
One of the ways that I’m experimenting with to help bring back some control of my thought spirals is to use a theme. I have some oracle cards. One card that keeps coming up is one called sacredness. So I’m using that as my theme for the past couple of weeks.
As I get caught up in the thought spirals, I try to think about the idea of sacredness. What is it? How does it fit into my life? Do I think about myself as sacred? And why? What about the particular thought spiral I find myself in could be considered sacred?
We like to think that the thoughts and feelings that come up, especially in the aftermath of trauma as something negative. I’m guilty of that as well. I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to stop or change the thought spirals I find myself in. Yet they exist for a reason. They are there because it’s my mind’s way of dealing with the trauma I’ve experienced. If I reframe the reason they exist as something sacred in their own right then maybe it becomes easier when I get pulled into them.
To be sacred is to find the divine within a person or an object. If I think about my trauma thought spirals as sacred, they are given to me from the divine as a way to protect my mind from fracturing due to the trauma that I’ve experiences. Those spirals hold immense amount of emotion within them. All the hurt, pain, helplessness and loss are within the spirals. As I experience them, I also experience the emotions. Yet they help me experience those emotions in such a way that my mind can handle them without breaking.
I also think about the idea of sacredness within myself. What makes me sacred? What aspects of me are sacred? Am I even able to identify and articulate them? I spent so many years within an a relationship where I was told over and over again what was wrong about how I did things or who I was. I took a lot of that and incorporated it into how I saw and experienced myself and my inner world. That perception changed the way that I held my concept of self. My healing journey has really been about reframing my ideas about myself and who I am. And part of that is really reconnecting with the inner part of myself that holds the divine. The sacred self. The self that is the foundation and connection to that which is outside of us. Some people would call it God.
I lost that connection somewhere along the way as I survived the abuse I found myself in. This journey is multifaceted. Much of it is rediscovering the divinity within myself. Or the connection to the divine that I believe we all have. How do I tap into that? Especially when the trauma eclipses my experience of it.
I’ve found over the past week that if I hold these questions about sacredness close, that I’m reminded of just how sacred my inner soul is. It’s reminding me that I have the divine within me, despite being caught up in the trauma spirals that seem to be a nearly daily occurrence.
At first, having this theme didn’t help much with navigating the path I found myself on. Yet as I consistently bring my thoughts back to that idea of sacredness, and specifically asking myself, how does this thought or action bring the sacredness into my life, I find that it is becoming easier. Not easy. But easier to give myself grace and pull myself out of the trauma thought spiral.
Change requires struggle in a lot of ways. We can’t become more or different or be in different circumstances unless we change our present. And that change almost invariably comes with pain and heartache and loss because we have to let go of who we were before. We have to let go of perceptions and thoughts and ideas that came from our past self. And many times that past self doesn’t like to give way easily. Sometimes circumstances force the change and sometimes its something we deliberately ask for, yet in neither case is it likely to be without struggle.
I’ve definitely found that getting to the other side of the change tunnel is not without its lessons. Yet once I emerge I’m in a different place. If I really look, I can see how the sacred in my life and my self shines through the events that I’ve endured. I’m just now emerging from the tunnel. I’m a different person than I was when I began this journey a few years ago. I can see definitely lessons. I’ve had loss and heartache and had to navigate events that came close to breaking me. Yet in my more cognizant moments I can see how those events have shaped me and made me stronger. I came close to breaking, yet I never did. The event that caused more heartbreak are the events that taught the biggest lessons.
I still cannot remember some of these events without the pain resurfacing. The pain and heartache is still raw and a wound that is still healing. But as I focus on being grateful for the community I’ve found through this and the relationships I’ve strengthened, it makes the healing process bearable.
I have quite a journey still ahead. If I use the idea of sacredness to help guide me, then maybe, just maybe, I’ll find myself on the other side of healing a better, more complete person than I when I began this journey.
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