TRIGGER WARNING: Systems being used as a mechanism for abuse
My ExH. He likes control. He wants to punish me, or at least that’s how it appears as a recipient of his games. Unfortunately, he was able to convince a judge to grant him a protection order (or a restraining order) against me in retaliation for me reporting to the police that he raped me and that he had inappropriate behavior toward my daughters (like watching DD1 get dressed and not allowing her to shower alone, or showering with DD2 while standing over her with his “assets” in her face). Now he has admitted to some of this behavior towards my DD1 to the court. So he can’t say that it didn’t occur.
So he calls the police every time I contact him regarding custody issues. Even though those communications are protected. This has been going on since last summer. Well yesterday I received a summons that I’m being charged and arraigned for a violation of his protection order, during a time frame that I was either in the hospital or had just gotten out of the hospital. I don’t know if they mean an email or what, but I don’t remember the incident at all. I was on some heavy duty drugs at the time that messed with my memory so I just don’t remember.
So I feel like I’m right back in the abuse. He likes to abuse me and to exert his control. It doesn’t matter that he raped me, repeatedly, and that I think my DD2 may have witnessed it. It doesn’t matter that he bullied me repeatedly. It doesn’t matter that he’s holding my things, and my daughter’s thing hostage. It doesn’t matter that everything that went wrong was my fault according to him. It doesn’t matter that he told me repeatedly that I was not remembering things correctly and that I wasn’t living the reality I was living.
It doesn’t help that I had to sit through a deposition by his attorney who told me that I shouldn’t have expected any help from him in the house because I wasn’t working and he was. That was the message I was repeatedly told by him. That there was something wrong with me because I couldn’t keep the house clean or the yard weed free. That I couldn’t keep up with the laundry. That I couldn’t have dinner on the table every day at the same time. I couldn’t keep the cars maintenance up. And I had to do all those things while making sure my elementary school child got to and from school and that my toddler was cared for. He told me repeatedly that the children were my responsibility and because I didn’t work, I had to do everything else to make the household run. I’d ask him to do the dishes after dinner and he would literally whine at me “but I don’t want to” and go back to his office where he would play video games. I’d ask him to take out the trash and it would sit there gathering flies and smell for days before he’d decide to do it, that is if I didn’t get it out first. Most of the time I was trying to get everything else done.
And here’s another issue. I had undiagnosed iron deficiency with no anemia. Which means I was exhausted, all the time. I didn’t have any energy to do a lot, yet I was working 24 hours a day 7 days a week with no break. Every time I’d ask for a break, I was told that I was home all day so therefore I had a break all the time. Because he worked, he had to have some down time. It wasn’t worth the fight to get him to do things, like unload the dishwasher, fold a load of laundry, pick up after himself or put gas in the car. It certainly wasn’t worth the fight to get some time to myself without having to watch an active toddler or to help my older daughter with school work.
He refused to allow me any access to the finances so I had to ask for money every time we needed to go to the grocery store. Yet he was constantly buying things and then complaining that I spent too much money.
I never got a break. Every once in a while he’d allow me to leave DD2 home with him while I went to the grocery store on the weekend. But I had to stop that when I came home one day and found her trying to get into the pool by herself and he had no idea where she was. He was gaming and had headphones on.
And the kicker was, he told everyone that I didn’t do anything in the house except eat bon bons all day. I was constantly being told that what I was experiencing wasn’t accurate, that I was remembering wrong. I’d ask for help and tell him he wasn’t helping enough and he’d tell me that he was helping enough, I was just inadequate.
And now, the people who are supposed to be helping me are treating me like I’m the problem. Like I’m the one who is abusing him. It’s so ironic I feel like I’m in a never ending movie with a bad plot.
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