Co-parenting and cooperation mis adventures Feb

It’s
me again talking about EH and his unwillingness to
co-parent.  Two events have occurred in the last month that will
illustrate this pattern.  If you don’t want to read through the events,
I’ve summarized them with bullet points here:

These
two events listed after this summary continue EH’s pattern of
control to the detriment of D2’s well-being.

·               
He deliberately worked to avoid cooperating with
me.  It would have been much easier on him to keep the plan as is for
her PT appointment (see event 2).

·               
He sent an email to me with information about having
the clinic information (which did not change the plans or otherwise communicate
anything other than he had called the clinic). He knew I would not get that
email in the morning because I told him that directly

·               
He deliberately did not communicate with me and worked
the situation so that I would not get notified that D2 was not
at school.  He knows that the school notifies me of absences and he
deliberately circumvented that by not calling in the absence.

·               
He refuses to allow me to have any communication or
information regarding his daycare arrangements or contact with his mother, even
though I’m assuming she is his daycare provider. (part of the communication
emails in event 2, although I did not specify this when I described the event)

·               
He tells me that I’m violating orders by making
decisions he doesn’t agree with, even when he does provide consent and chooses
not to follow-up with questions (see event 1).

·               
He’s trying to manipulate events so that he can put me
in a position to violate the orders.  He apparently does not believe
that any of the temporary orders apply to him.  He continues to
violate them without consequence.

·               
He continues to pick and choose which expenses he is
going to help me with, still chooses not to pay any kind of child support and
in short refuses to take any kind of responsibility for D2 except
when it is convenient for him to do so (or when he wants to be called ‘daddy’).
(continues to be an issue, see previous emails).

·               
D2 continues to be neglected and emotionally abused
by EH and probably his mother (see event 3)

·               
EH leaves D2 in the care of his
mom who likely has the beginning stages of dementia (see event 3)

 First
Event

In
order for you to understand this event and the reasons behind it, I have to
give you some backstory.

About
20 years ago, I was diagnosed with Iron deficiency without anemia
(IDWA).  I was put on high doses of iron until my iron levels came up
and then taken off of it.  I did this pattern for the last 20
years.  I found out last September that my iron levels were extremely
low after my artery tear.  There is finally data about this condition
and the effects it has on your life.

For
example, I have been diagnosed with depression that started in pregnancy with
both my children.  Those symptoms did not respond to
medications.  One of the symptoms of severe IDWA is depression like
symptoms.  There are many others that have affected my life.  I
started having symptoms at age 6 when I passed out at school on the playground
for the first time.

 After
speaking with my mom, and having her and several other women in my family
tested who are also testing IDWA, I determined that my two girls might be at
risk for this condition.  It is present in most of the women of my
family, and we think was also present in my grandmother.

So
the beginning of February, I took D2 to the pediatrician, for
(you guessed it, another vaginitis) and at that visit spoke to her doctor about
IDWA in my family.  She ordered blood tests for D2 because D2 has
been complaining about fatigue and is having difficulty concentrating at
school, two symptoms that are common in IDWA.

Now,
I told EH the end of January when we first were alerted
to D2 having school difficulties that we needed to rule out
medical causes of those deficiencies.  I told him that I would get
her in to see her doctor to do that but that due to scheduling it might be a
while.  He responded ‘ok’.  In a separate email, I told him
that I had some new information about my health that could be genetically
passed to D2 and that she would likely need some lab work.
Once again he responded with an ‘ok’.

I
finally got D2 into her doctor the beginning of February where
she ordered those blood tests.

Before
I scheduled the tests, I sent another email to EH telling him
that the doctor had ordered blood tests, what we had discussed at the
appointment and some of the next steps to figure out what was going on
with D2 and school.  He responded with an ‘ok’
again.

I
scheduled the blood test appointment which was 2 weeks out because of
scheduling at the lab.

I
was finally able to get D2 into a pediatric blood draw last
week.  They had to draw blood out of both arms because one of her
veins stopped working in the middle of the draw, but they finally got the blood
they needed.

D2 went to EH for
his custody time about 24 hours after her blood draw.  She had small
bruises at both sites but otherwise was not harmed.

24
hours after D2 went to EH, he emailed me accusing
me of making unilateral medical decisions and that he refused to consent to any
medical treatments for D2 except for physical
therapy.  I told him he had provided consent, that I had told him
about the blood draw and referenced the previous emails where he had responded
‘ok’.  He chose at that time and in the intervening 2 weeks, not to
follow up with additional questions, to not have a discussion and to, in short,
just give me his consent for the blood draw.  Or at least that’s what
I assumed his ‘ok’ meant. I made 3 attempts to inform him. He gave me 3
consenting emails back.

I
assumed that he did not want or need additional information since he did not
ask any questions regarding the contents of those emails.  Because of
his habit of calling the police for any perceived violation of his order of
protection, I give the barest information needed so that I don’t have an
officer at my door for trying to violate his OP.  If he asks
questions I provide additional information.  You can reference any of
the previous emails if you want examples of one of the 6 or 7 times he’s called
the police for a violation, even when it’s clearly a custodial matter, which is
protected communication.

After
I pointed out that he had already provided consent and that he couldn’t
withdraw that consent after the fact I have heard no further
communication.  He has never once asked about what tests were run,
why they were being run, what the rationale behind them was or any other
question regarding why the doctor would order the tests to begin with.

I
have no idea what he is trying to accomplish with these actions.  I
have conjecture, but I really don’t know.  I do assume that he has
given you his version of these events and probably left out some details, like
me informing him weeks before about the blood draw and him providing consent
for that blood draw.

Second
Event

The
second event occurred today 2/24/22.

At
the beginning of February, I scheduled D2’s first PT
appointment.  I took the first available appointment, which was today
2/24, so that she could be placed on a waiting list for
cancellations.  As I suspected there would be, there was a
cancellation and the clinic called me 24 hours after scheduling the first
appointment to say there was one available last week.  When I took
the sooner appointment, I thought that the appointment scheduled for today 2/24
had been cancelled.

I
got an automated call last night, 2/23 reminding me of D2’s
appointment for this morning, the one that I thought was
cancelled.  Since it was after hours and there are penalties for
missing appointments (including discharge from PT), I knew I had to work
with EH to make sure that D2 could get to the
appointment. She needs it so that she can re-learn how to walk after her broken
leg.

Because
it was unexpected and I truly thought that this appointment had been cancelled,
neither one of us had it on our schedule.

So
I told EH, via email about the issue, that I would do my part to
get her to the appointment, but that I needed his mom to meet me at the clinic
so that, D2) I could show her where to go and B) so that she could
take D2 back to school.  I told EH that
because of his order of protection, he had made it impossible for me to meet
him at the clinic.  I told him to give his mom my phone number so
that I could coordinate via text with her.

He
told me to give him the clinic information and that he would take care of
it.  I told him that was not fair, that part of cooperation and joint
parenting was sharing the burden of unexpected events.  Since I live
next door to school, it made more sense for me get D2, get her to
the appointment and then have him or his mom attend the appointment with her so
that I could get on with my morning and some appointments that I had.

I
didn’t have the clinic information.  I have been going to the clinic
for the better part of a year, but have never saved the suite number or the
phone number or any other information in my phone.  I just know where
to go.  I have the info at my desk, but not where I could access it
at the time EH was asking for it.  I could give the
address to the building but that was it.  I didn’t think to save it
to OFW last week.

So
the arrangement was that I would get D2 from school, bring her
to the appointment and then he or his mom would meet me there.  I had
to be in that building at another clinic for a different reason so it made
sense and showed him that I was trying to cooperate and jointly parent with
him.

Well
it didn’t work that way.  He contacted me via email this morning,
telling me that he called the clinic and has all the information he
needed.  There was no other information included, there was no
information about D2, there was no information about school, so I
assumed that the plan was as I had stated before. I don’t check email in the
mornings, I don’t have time so I didn’t get the communication right
away.  I told him directly I would not be checking email in the
morning so he could have sent communication to my mom, he has her phone number.  After
all, the judge ordered cooperation and that was what I was trying to
do.  I told him, I didn’t have to communicate with him, I could have
just handled it like I have in the past but that wasn’t fair.

So,
I showed up at the school to get D2.  No one could find
her.  Turns out he had emailed her teacher and decided to keep her
home simply because he did not want to cooperate with me or to jointly parent
with me.  Her appointment was at 10 am, she would have had more than
½ her school day had she attended school.  There was no reason for
her to miss school, especially since she is failing right now and
struggling.  He didn’t call the school, so it was a tense few minutes
while the school determined that D2 was not in the building
and that she had never shown up.

K deliberately
kept D2 out of school and worked to avoid cooperating with me
to care for D2.  I told him directly that I would not be
able to read email in the morning, yet he chose that way to communicate with
me, despite being able to get communication to me in other ways.

 It
fits with his pattern of non-cooperation, avoidance and attempt to control the
situation that he has exhibited thus far. 

So
I was at the clinic when he showed up with D2.  That was
when I was finally able to read the email he had sent.  Like I had
stated before, I needed to be at the clinic anyway and had planned on being
there today for a different reason. 

At
least he didn’t make a scene this time when he found me there.  I
fully expect to get a call from a detective from the Glendale police because
I’m sure I ‘violated’ his protection order.  It will surprise me if I
hear nothing honestly from law enforcement.  At least I have
witnesses at the clinic.

I
had to schedule D2’s PT appointments so that she could get
them.  The therapist’s schedule is full though to
mid-May.  I took the only available appointments that she had that
would keep D2 in school as much as possible.  I’ll
work my schedule around them if need be and expect EH to do
the same.  I’ve already told EH, via email, that this is
what would happen because there are a shortage of appointments and wanted his
commitment that he would get D2 to these appointments if they
fell on his days.  He provided confirmation that he would do
that.  I told him that I would post them to the calendar on OFW when
I had them.  Over the past week, I’ve had difficulty calling the
clinic and scheduling over the phone.  They’ve had difficulty with
their phone system and have not been able to reach me.  One of the
reasons I had to be at the clinic was to make sure D2 was on
the schedule for future appointments.  Her next appointment isn’t
until April 1 but she is on a waiting list.  The first appointments I
got happened to fall on my custody days.  EH will
probably find a way to use that against me.

If
this weren’t so incredibly frustrating, it would be comical and make a great
plot line for a movie.

Since
I’m assuming he has sent you his version of events, keep in mind, that I can
prove my version is accurate.  I have the emails, I have his consent,
when he provided it, I have his lack of communication and I have the registrar
at the school and D2’s teacher who can verify all of these things
took place.  And the clinic as well.

I
just want my daughter taken care of.  I want to make sure she gets to
appointments that she needs, that she’s in school and that her needs are
met.  If EH is so adamant about being a parent, then
he needs to meet me halfway.  He has not, despite my attempts to
coordinate and cooperate with him.  He continues to obstruct me, to
deliberately circumvent me and to make my life as difficult as he
can.  He has done nothing but make it extremely difficult for me to
provide necessary care to D2. 

I
have been bending over backward to ensure his participation and every time I
do, I get slapped in the face by him, either by him calling the police or by
withholding financial help or by obviously trying to get me to admit to
violating the court orders when I have not. 

When
does this stop?  When can I and my children get on with our lives?
How can I ensure D2’s safety when EH clearly is
neglecting D2’s needs and safety in favor of his own
revenge?  Not only is this shown in her recurrent vaginitis but in
his adamant refusal to cooperate or co-parent to even controlling and
manipulating the situation through refusing to allow me access to mine or my
older daughters personal belongings (even though he called my older child
daughter).

Third
Event

D2 told my mom the
other day that daddy doesn’t let her choose her own clothes, that he likes her
to wear dresses only and will not allow her to wear jeans even when she wants
to.  She has been telling me repeatedly that she does not want to go
to daddy’s and wants to stay with mama.  She continues to have
nightmares, has started sucking her thumb (she has never done that even as an
infant) and will not allow me out of her sight when she’s with
me.  She comes back from EH’s with bruises that look like
fingers and stories of doing things that may or may not be true.  Let
me reiterate.  D2 is NOT SAFE at EHs.  She is
being neglected at the very least and likely emotionally abused
there.  If his mom is suffering from the beginning stages of
dementia, which I suspect, then she will likely be yelling at D2 and
will eventually turn violent against her.  EH will be
yelling at her frequently because that is what he was doing before when he
wasn’t yelling at me or my older daughter.  He definitely is
extremely controlling and manipulative, which is abusive in and of itself.