Gaming addictions and child safety
Here
is yet another example of how EH refuses to co-parent with me.
It took me a little while to process the emotions that these events generated
in me last week. I wanted to be as rational as I could be when I sent
this.
Every
once in a while the school will have a no-school day. That day off
is normally in conjunction with a 3 day holiday weekend. However in
the rare cases that it is not, we have, in the past treated that day as a
normal day in terms of custody transfer, as the temporary orders
state. EH decided, without notification to me, that he was
going to change that. Monday, 2/7, was a no school
day. It was not a holiday, every other school in the surrounding
districts are in session and it is a normal day. Again in the past
we have treated these as normal days and not changed anything about
custody. We should have had a custody transfer Sunday 2/6 at 4pm,
however EH did not show. He did not answer my email to him
(the ONLY way I can contact him). So I called the police because I
was concerned for D2’s wellbeing. I thought something had
happened to EH and that he was incapacitated in some way.
Once
the police reached out to him, EH sent me the email saying it was a
no school day so therefore he got to keep D2, and he refused to discuss it
further, by the simple medium of not responding to any further requests for
dialogue.
Unfortunately,
the orders are vague enough (and I didn’t see the clause about no school days
that are later in the document) that the officers could understand how EH could
have misinterpreted the orders, so they could not charge him with custodial
interference. So based on precedent, I rightly assumed that the few random no
school days that are not holidays or that do not fall on holiday weekends we
treat as normal custody transfer days. Yet EH did not
communicate with me as is his pattern.
Since
I had to live with EH’s spur of the moment decision, like I’ve had to with
every decision he’s made in this process, I sent him 2 emails asking him what
his daycare arrangements are. He has, in the past left D2 to
fend for her self while he did other things (such as play his video games) that
placed her in harms way (I’ll give 2 specific examples in a
minute). I sent the first email, 4 hours later I sent the second
email.
As D2’s
mom, I have the right to know who is caring for my daughter and how to contact
that individual. I should also be the first contact for that individual if they
cannot reach EH.
Not
only did he change the custody transfer day without notification, he refused to
tell me what his daycare arrangements are or even that he had daycare
arrangements. He simply did not answer or respond to the emails,
even though he read them.
So
I called the police to do a well check to make sure D2 was cared
for. They went to the house and found her in the care of his mom,
who I did not realize was still in town. He has not told me, he
refuses to give me her contact information, she refused to give my mom her
contact information, in short when D2 is not with EH, I have no
idea who is caring for my daughter or even if she is safe.
C, EH’s
mom, had a stroke about 4 years ago. She is mobility impaired on her
left side. While she can walk, and mostly do normal things, she has
weakness. Also, EH told me in about 2019/2020 that they thought C had
dementia, the beginning stages of it. That will only progress if
that is the case. Her mom had it, so they should recognize the signs
of it.
If
that is the case, I don’t think she can provide a safe environment for D2.
Regardless,
I have had no choice but to accept whatever daycare option he has chosen, with
absolutely no input or no ability to ensure the safety of my child. EH knows
what my daycare arrangements are. He has all phone
numbers. I have made sure that he is able to make sure that D2 is
appropriately taken care of.
Yet
he refuses to do the same for me.
Example
1 of why I’m concerned for D2’s safety when she’s with EH:
When D2 was
3 or 4, I left D2 in the care of EH for the first time in a
while to go to the grocery store alone. It was hot and I didn’t want
to drag her to the store because it was easier and quicker for me to go alone. EH wasn’t
happy with the choice, but I left the children in his care
anyway. To be honest I needed a break too. They were both
pushing my buttons that day and I had no help from EH, it was a typical
weekend day. EH was gaming, again.
I
returned from the grocery store, threw the frozen stuff in the freezer in the
garage then went inside to get help unloading the rest from EH and
the girls.
First
of all I had to touch EH on the shoulder because the volume on his
headphones was loud enough he didn’t hear me call his name from outside his
office door. When he decided to remove his headphones I asked him
where the children were. He shrugged and said they were watching
tablets in the living room. Since I had walked through the living
room to get to the office they weren’t there and I told him that. He
said he didn’t know. I told him I needed the car unloaded and went
to find the girls. I found my oldest in the bedroom on her
tablet. I asked her where D2 was and she just
shrugged. She was 7, it wasn’t her responsibility to watch D2.
I
spent 5 min searching the house, did not find D2. Saw EH back
with his headphones on, gaming again. Told him that D2 was
missing, again having to touch him to get his attention because he couldn’t
hear me, and he just told me to check some of the places she liked to
hide. I already had, but I wasn’t going to argue with him with D2 missing. He
was annoyed that I kept interrupting him. On a hunch, I went out
into the backyard.
I
found that D2 had pulled a chair to the pool gate and somehow gotten
it open. I don’t know if it didn’t latch or if it had been left ajar
but she was by the pool. Not only that, she was sitting on the side
with her feet in the water preparing to go swimming. She was hot and
wanted to swim. I have never been so afraid in my
life. If I had been 10 min later she would have been in the water
without anyone there. She couldn’t swim. That incident
haunts me still. I told EH and he blamed me for not making
sure the gate was latched. I was just relieved that D2 was
ok.
The
second incident involved D2 in the bathtub at about the same
age. Same kind of thing. I asked EH to help me
get her in the bathtub while I finished getting dinner made and groceries put
away. He was incredibly resentful that I would dare to ask him for
help. He told me that the kids were my responsibility and since I
didn’t work that he needed his time for down time and since he had a meeting
with his gaming friends he didn’t have time to deal with D2 and
bathtime.
I
told him that I needed to make dinner and that he could either do dinner or he
could get D2 bathed. Because I couldn’t do both. He
eventually got D2 in the bathtub.
Now,
I listen for my kids. It is a habit I have. So I heard
the bath water running, I heard D2 playing and assumed that EH was
bathing her, so I went back to making dinner and getting groceries put away and
some other things done.
After
a while, it went silent. I immediately took notice, because when a
3-4 year old goes quiet, there is likely to be trouble. I then heard
a thump and a scream from the bathroom. I dropped everything and
ran. D2 was in the bathroom alone. She had let
the water out and was trying to climb out of the bathtub by herself and slipped
and fallen. She hit her head and arm on the tub. If there
had been water in it she could have drowned. I was livid that EH had
left her alone. Not only that, he didn’t tell me that she was alone
in the bath. He went back to his game, put his headphones on and
didn’t hear her at all.
So
I comforted D2, got her dressed and let her play. About
10-15 min later, EH came to ask me where D2 was and I told
him what had happened. He denied hearing anything, he told me he was
in his office. I was angry with him that he would leave her alone
and he told me if I didn’t like it then I should have done it.
Notice
a pattern here? I have sent you incidents like these of the neglect
that EH has consistently shown D2 since she was
born. These incidents have occurred in the past and they continue to
occur now. After the two above incidents, which occurred within a
few months of each other, I would not leave either one of the girls with EH unless
I absolutely had to. And there were times, although rare, when I did
have to but I made sure to hurry back because he taught me I could not trust
him with D2’s safety. We were alone down here in
Arizona. EH discouraged me making friends and getting out of
the house. He told me that my work was there and that I needed to be
there to do it.
When
my friend came to live with us for a few months, it was a relief for
me. Because I could finally have another adult to help me ensure the
girl’s safety. EH was not someone I could rely on. I
was so overworked and overwhelmed that I could not see it. I was
exhausted and living moment to moment with no time to think or process
anything.
Returning
to current day, on 2/7 when I finally got D2 back from EH (who
was extremely angry that I had called the police that day) all was
ok. I got D2 home, ready for bed and got her to sleep at
her normal time. About 3 hours after going to sleep she woke up
because her vaginal area hurt and was itchy. She was
crying. When I looked at it, it was red, swollen, with a white
discharge. It took me an hour to find a combination of topical medication
and ibuprofen to get the pain and itchiness under control enough for her to
sleep. To sit and listen to my baby cry because her so-called father
and grandma did not make sure she had basic hygiene completed over three days
was heartbreaking. All I could do was hold her and rock her and tell
her to keep breathing, that the medicine would kick in soon. This is
infection number 10 I think, although I’m now losing count, there have been so
many.
AGAIN,
every time D2 spends more than 2 days with EH she comes
back to me with a raging vulvovaginitis that is due to lack of hygiene, which
means he is not making sure that she is appropriately cleaned every
day. He is likely leaving her to fend for herself in the tub and
shower, and D2 has confirmed that.
It
was this week that D2 started telling me she didn’t want to leave me,
that she didn’t want to go to dads. To watch her bottle her emotions
and face going bravely was very difficult for me to do. Especially
when I can’t give her an answer as to why she has to. I told her
that I didn’t have a choice, I had to send her and all she could do was cry
that she didn’t want to go.
EH continues
to ignore the court orders regarding D2’s medical expenses and child
support, even though those remain in effect.
He
continues to ignore the pieces that require parents to cooperate with each
other. He continue to ignore the pieces about contributing for joint
decision making, leaving all the decisions to me and then telling me after the
fact that he didn’t agree with it.
The
clauses about cooperation and joint decision making are written specifically in
the orders. He refuses to even respond to my inquiries. I
believe that I have a right to take part in child care decisions that he is
making for my daughter. If it is not someone that I know or a
licensed daycare provider, then I believe I should be able to vet that person
so that I can be sure she is safe in the care of that individual. He
refuses to even respond to requests for information.
I
am doing my best to cooperate with him and include him in any decisions
about D2’s care.
I
informed him of D2 needing to get bloodwork done per her
doctor. He has not responded about that. I informed him
that we needed to speak to the school about D2 struggling and her
test taking issues, he has not responded to that. I informed him
about what the pediatric gynecologist concluded, he has not given me any input
about that. I informed him about her PT appointments and gotten no
input about that.
So
I’m having to make decisions about D2’s care where I try to involve him
and he ignores me. Yet he does not even inform me of any changes or
even how he’s caring for D2, even when I directly ask the question.
The
good thing about me only being able to contact via email, is that I have a written
record of all of this communication and when it occurred
This
is a pattern with him. It’s one I’ve struggled with my entire
marriage with him. He refuses to communicate with me about
anything. I don’t see it changing. So just how am I to
ensure my daughter’s safety when I’m supposed to trust someone who doesn’t pay
attention and neglects her?
I
have several more incidents like the two above. Every time I’d leave
my daughters with EH, I’d come home to find one or both of them
unattended, hungry (because EH would get mad at them for asking for
food) and getting into unsafe situations. He may as well not been
there. He’d either be locked in his office with headphones gaming
and talking to his friends, or he’d be sound asleep with no way to wake him
(the girls were terrified to wake him as well so would
refuse). Either way, he would leave Isabel in charge of D2,
despite her being a child herself.
I
finally would not leave my girls with EH for longer than an
hour. When I could I’d take them with me. Unfortunately,
once I started working, on the days he’d decide to bestir himself to leave he’d
get the girls from my moms (who was acting as daycare because she lives only 2
blocks from their school once she moved closer). He was never
consistent about picking them up and would refuse to let me know whether I
should pick them up or not. He wouldn’t answer any communications
about it. Most of the time he’d tell me to do it.
But
there were more than once when he’d pick them up but not tell me and I’d go to
get them and find them not there. There were times when I’d pick
them up and stay for dinner, invite EH and he’d decline and order me
home to make dinner for him. Then he’d get extremely angry with me
for staying at dinner where he couldn’t take part. Except that he
never did anyway. He was always more interested in his gaming than
in eating with us. The days he did eat with us, he’d leave as soon
as he was finished and go back to his game, he wouldn’t even help to clean up.
He
consistently refused to be involved with medical care and appointments, be
extremely resentful if I spent any kind of money on the girls (although more so
with Isabel than with D2) and in general preferred to not be part of any
kind of family time such as dinner time. He was resentful when I’d
ask him to join us for dinner time, which is important to me, because he had
some sort of appointment with his friends online. He refused to
attend any school events, he refused to attend a celebration when I finished my
certificate program, he refused to do anything with the girls at all, unless it
involved playing a video game.
While
I do believe that people change, over 6 years, despite doing everything I could
to get him involved, he chose not to or to be minimally involved. I
still believe he has not changed these behaviors. He certainly is
showing that he is not. He still is not communicating. He
still is neglecting D2 and the proper care of her. He
still is getting mad at her for asking for food or behaving like a
child. He still is leaving her to fend for herself. He’s
still showering with her. He’s telling D2 to keep
secrets. He’s refusing me any access to his mom (and if she is still
here in Arizona and caring for D2 for any length of time then I need
that access). He’s still refusing financial responsibility.
I
am truly weary of Ks consistent refusal to take part in any meaningful way
with parenting. He hasn’t in the past and is continuing that
behavior. He continues to not accord any respect to me by notifying
me of parenting time changes in advance ( as is written in the
orders). And I believe that he continues to neglect her and to place
her in unsafe situations.
I
just hope someone who can make decisions, will take notice before he gets her
seriously injured. It will happen. EH is mobility
challenged now. He is at least 600l lbs and cannot even wear
shoes. He cannot perform basic hygiene on himself and requires
assistance to make sure he is clean (that’s the way it was when I left and he’s
only gained weight since then). If he cannot care for himself in
such basic ways, then he cannot care for a child, especially one who is
independent and extremely active with no sense of personal safety.
She
broke her leg while with me on a trampoline and there were two adults with her,
me and another adult. I was involved and active with her yet she
still managed to break her leg. When with EH, with his habit of
leaving her to her own devices, I’m truly surprised she has not been seriously
injured yet. I do know she did come home from him with bruises on
her ribcage that looked like fingers. Her ribs weren’t broken and
she refused to tell me what happened. But PCH has it documented at
suspected physical abuse.
As
for neglect, D2 told me that one day she was crying for mama and
asked to call me. EH apparently told her that she couldn’t talk
to me, that it wasn’t allowed. D2 thought that meant I had said
I didn’t want to talk to her. It took me a while to convince her
that daddy made up that rule and that mama knew nothing about it. I
still am unsure if D2 believes me. I
told D2 she can call me anytime. She told me that daddy
wouldn’t let her near a phone. But the fact that EH would
deny D2 the comfort of mama at a time when she needed me does not
show that he is concerned about her needs. She should be able to
access either one of us whenever she wants, not at the whim of the other.
I
don’t know how many events you need to understand that EH is abusing
and neglecting D2. He followed this same pattern with my older
daughter. And I was too emotionally abused myself to be able to
recognize or acknowledge it. It took me years to get out from
underneath his conditioning.
He
had me believing that everything that happened or that I wasn’t able to do was
because I was deficient in some way. If I spent too much time on the
house and kids then I wasn’t spending enough time with him. If I
spent time with him, I wasn’t spending enough time on the house and the
kids. And if I asked for help with one of the hundreds of things on
my list, he told me that if his mom could do it then he couldn’t understand why
I couldn’t.
Remember
he told me that I was responsible for the kids, the house, the cars, groceries,
the yard, dinner and everything else related to living, including being his
personal assistant. He was unable to do anything to help because he
worked all day and then needed to have downtime. But since I didn’t
work, I could take care of everything. There were days when I was up
at 5 am and fell into bed at 10pm without a break, including being up in the
middle of the night when the girls had nightmares, much less any downtime of my
own. I did that 7 days a week with little or no help from
him. I was burnt out, in ways that I’m still recovering from even a
year after I’ve moved out from under his control. I did try to take
breaks, just to sit for a minute and rest, and he’d invariably tell me that all
I did was read which was why there were so many things undone.
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